I've been with my married lover for 20 years but he's yet to leave his wife

DEAR DEIDRE:  MY married lover and I have a brilliant sex life but it’s been going on for 20 years now and he still hasn’t left his wife.

My friends hate him for the way he treats me but I still love him.


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I’m now a woman of 49 but was still in my twenties when I met this man. 

I moved to a new department at the insurance company I worked for back then and fell for one of the account managers. 

He was new to the company, and we did some training courses together and became close.

Although he was ten years older than me and married with two children, the sexual tension was electric so he booked a hotel room one lunchtime.

The sex was incredible —passionate and wild — but although I fell for him I knew it would only ever be an affair.

We would take turns to book hotels, then enjoyed afternoons of sex. It was what I looked forward to. He then started travelling with work so it was easy to make an excuse to his wife and he used to come to my house every week.

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It felt like we were a real couple. I would cook for him and he would stay over. 

We went on like that for years but he moved house two years ago and is now a two-hour drive from me. He said they were downsizing because his kids had left home.

He doesn’t have time for me so much these days because it is a big effort to drive over. 

He sometimes comes over for a quickie but never stays the night. He tells me he will sort something out, but he never does. I’ve asked again and again whether his wife knows about us, but he just tells me: “I don’t know, nor do I care” — then he takes me to bed.

We still get on really well and the sex is the best I’ve ever had. 

I’ve tried dating other men but I always go back to him. What do you think I should do?

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m afraid I am with your friends on this one. You’ve wasted too many precious years on a man who will always want to have his cake and eat it. 

He shuts you down when you as much as mention the elephant in the room – his wife – because sex is all he is offering you.

If you are genuinely happy to see him just for sex, that’s your choice but he seems to be treating you with less and less respect. 

I believe you will value yourself more if you put an end to this no-strings, dead-end, sex-only relationship and tell him you’re worth more.

It’s time to embrace the new you. Stop seeing this guy altogether, to give yourself a chance to move on emotionally and develop a new relationship that is more fulfilling. 

My e-leaflet called Your Lover Not Free will help.

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