DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE fantasies I’d love to explore with my wife. We have regular sex and she orgasms a couple of times but it’s all too vanilla.
We have been married for six years and have two brilliant kids. I am 32 and she is 31. We love each other and are each other’s best friend. I still find her incredibly attractive and sexy – even more since we were in lockdown.
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We have sex a couple of times a week and she’s obviously satisfied, but I always initiate it and want to explore my sexual fantasies with her. She’s always part of them and I think there’s so much more for her to experience sexually.
I don’t think my fantasies are kinky or offensive, but I recognise some, like seeing her pleasured by another guy, girl or a couple, could be disconcerting.
But I don’t know how to support her to start that erotic journey. I’ve tried nudging her with erotic books, buying sexy lingerie together, introducing toys, exploring sexual well-being apps.
I’ve even suggested we watch porn together for inspiration but my attempts to spark her imagination are either politely heard and then ignored, or she tenses up and has occasionally got upset.
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I’ve kept asking her what fantasies she has and what she’d love to explore, assuring her that I’m open to anything, that I want her to have the best sexual experiences, no matter how kinky or weird they might be. She says she doesn’t have any and is happy with the way things are.
Now I’m working from home I help more with the chores and childcare, giving her more time to relax. I encouraged her to spend time masturbating and exploring herself but she just laughed.
We’re enjoying spending more time together but I am unable to open up her erotic appetite. I love her but feel frustrated and trapped. Should I tell her that?
DEIDRE SAYS: Men often long to enact fantasies while women usually keep them to themselves.
It’s not just about inhibition either. Men tend to be more turned on than women by what they see, while women are more aroused by what they feel, both emotionally and physically.
Acting out fantasies, especially involving other people in our sex lives, can be very risky as we inevitably lose the control over what happens and the emotional aftermath.
Keep on at your wife about acting out your erotic fantasies and you risk putting her off the sex you do enjoy. So many couples would envy what you share. Try to focus on all the many very good aspects of your relationship rather than obsessing about your longing for a more extreme sex life.
If you view porn, try cutting that out as it becomes addictive and hinders real-life sex. My e-leaflet Sexual Fantasies And You can help.
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