I’ve got kinky fantasies I want to share with my girlfriend, but she makes me feel like a freak when I try

WELCOME to Ask Chloe, the no-holds-barred advice column with Chloe Madeley.

Each week Chloe answers sex-and-relationships problems, offering unflinching advice on how to deal with everything from lacklustre sex to finding the perfect partner.

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Q. What should a couple do if one of them is into kinky stuff and the other isn’t?

I’ve been with my girlfriend for years and I love her so much, but I’m not sure we’re compatible sexually.

I have some kinky fantasies I just can’t get out of my head, but she’s much more straight-laced than me.

I don’t think she’d be into it and I’m too nervous to even raise the topic in case it makes her uncomfortable.

Sometimes she makes me feel like a freak for thinking about anyone other than her… but surely that’s normal?

A. I think you need to open up to your partner about your fantasies and then ask if she’d like to act on them with you.

She might surprise you – 'It's always the quiet ones' is a phrase for a reason!
If they really don't like kinky sex, then you will need to reach an agreement on how you manage this side of yourself going forward.

Porn, an open relationship or very gradual experimentation are all ideas that come to mind, but ultimately, if you guys can't reach a mutual agreement, the relationship might not last.

I've often spoken about that fact that my husband and I are sexually compatible and that I don't think we'd be together if we weren't. 

The fact is that some of us value sex more than others do, and that's perfectly OK on both sides.

I think you need to open up to your partner about your fantasies and then ask if she’d like to act on them with you

Q. I need some advice on long-distance relationships. Basically, do you think they ever work and if so how do you make them last?

I met my bloke online and I really think he could be the one for me long-term.

He’s so sweet and caring and really makes time for me, but he lives miles away.

Obviously it would be hard enough having to do a six-hour round trip in the best of circumstances, but with Covid restrictions we just can’t see each other at all.

I don’t want to screw this up, I’m sure it could be so special, but am I being silly investing so much in someone I’ve never met?

I’m not sure we’ll ever live in the same area either because of work, so I really don’t know what to do.

A. I think it depends on the parameters.

If you both want monogamy, I think a long-distance relationship can last for a significant period of time, but I personally think it will have a shelf life. 

Most humans are intimate, tactile, sexual and sometimes needy creatures, and most of us don't do so well without those things.

If monogamy isn't a problem, I think it can last forever. You could strike a bond with this person that you will find with no other, and that kind of match will be with you for life.

I advise you to be honest, be analytical, and reassess as often as you need to.

If you do that, you may be onto something great.

And don’t forget to use FaceTime and Skype a lot too – it’s so important to actually see each other.

Of course good old texting is great as well, sending sexy messages throughout the day should really keep him on his toes.

Read Chloe's previous advice, including help for someone who's bloke was jealous of their sex toy, here.

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